...with a fat bottle of sparking cider. It's time to celebrate!
Why are we celebrating? For one, tomorrow is my birthday. And why sparkling cider instead of a bottle of champagne or a cheap bottle of liquor in a little brown bag (gotta stay classy)? Because I'm 13 weeks pregnant.
Wait! Rewind! Did I just say it's my birthday tomorrow? Yes I did. And I'll be a whole lotta 27 years old.
Oh. You were more surprised by the announcement that I'm pregnant? I suppose I should have expected that. But before I address this miraculous and exciting news, I want to spend a little time in retrospective mode.
So, each year I kind of view my birthday as my New Year's Day. Most people do that cliche thing where the new year is January 1, and while I appreciate that day's opportunity for reflection and resolution, I much prefer to use my birthday. Color me rogue.
Twenty-six was a roller coaster ride of a year, and it was an amazing year of growth and personal resolve. I wove the story of my first pregnancy and resulting miscarriage here, and let's just say that the experience left me feeling broken but also provided for the most significant period of personal growth in my life to date. It opened my eyes to just how ridiculously selfish I can be. Seriously people, I was yelling at pregnant women out of jealousy and unmitigated rage over my loss. There were moments where I made friends angry, words that were spat venomously out of my mouth led to tears in others' eyes, and gave me such a slap-in-the-face reality check about the depravity of my situation that I couldn't help but change. Grow up. Get over myself.
The past year also instilled in me a sense of resolve. Once I stopped blaming God for my loss and could read my Bible without wanting to hurl it across the room, I spent time meditating on Scripture. I found myself hearing the still, small voice of the Lord prompting me to get back in relationship with Him because He never left me, even when I pushed him far away. I learned that He never promised that we wouldn't experience pain and loss, but He promised that through it all he'd be at our sides. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4.
This realization led me to be able to climb up out of the muck and trust that all would turn out okay. I started to recall other verses that provide me peace when I feel like the world is crumbling around me. "The LORD will fight for you, you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14; "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest...for my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28, 30. I realize that not all my friends out there believe in God and that's okay. I just hope that like me you have something to hold onto and put your faith in when the world around you feels like it's falling apart.
My 27-years-old New Year resolution? To become a better version of me. To continue to grow. To continue to place my faith and hope in something bigger than myself that I know I can trust (read: God). And to prepare myself to be a good mommy.
Okay, okay...back to the happy news about being pregnant. After the day of days, I felt closure and relief. I was able to relax and move on. But there was a part of me that still hurt about not being a mom when I could have been.
Fast forward to MLK Day weekend, and the monthly visitor from Hades still hadn't made her grand appearance two days after she was due. I decided to take a test just to see. I had a feeling "this could be it!" but I tried not to get too excited.
What do you know? The stick turned blue!
I felt like I was holding my breath for the first few weeks while we waited for our first ultrasound, but on February 2 Steven and I got to see our little alien baby at 7 weeks (it doesn't look remotely human this early on) and hear its tiny little heart beat. I pretty much melted into a mess of happiness, but managed not to lose it crying in the ultrasound room.
More breath holding as we rode out the next 5 weeks and went back for an appointment last week. 12 weeks. A pretty monumental week. Although not officially the end of the first trimester, a pretty significant day nonetheless. The MA found the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler, and again it was music. I could listen to that little lub-dub all day long.
Anyway, the big due date is September 22. I am really looking forward to the life changes this new year of mine has to bring. And I really hope I manage to keep up this growth kick I've been on (not just physically...a thank you!).
