...I watched the lights of Queen Creek fade into the distance. And then my eyes started to water.
Remember a couple of weeks ago when I posted about the day of days? At the end of it, I talked about how beauty came from the pain and not in the way I expected. I had a good day that day in the face of the sadness I had in my soul, but I couldn't divulge the details about why or how it was a good day.
I guess now I should share. Sit back for show and tell, blog friends.
Back in October, when I was still off the blogging radar, an incredible opportunity to advance my career with the Boys & Girls Club presented itself. The person in my position at a large club had been promoted, so his position opened up. I had a feeling this person (hi Mark!) was going to get the promotion. I knew that would mean his job would open up. And then I paused. Thought about the implications for me. For my current club. For the community I serve. All that to say that well before the opportunity presented itself, I had time to consider the what ifs. What if it did?
When the position posted, I sent in my resume and letter of interest the same day. It was too good to pass up.
Two months and two interviews later, on the day of days, I heard the magic words.
"We would like to offer you the position."
I said yes 2.5 miliseconds later. Lots of happy celebrating followed, but all on the inside. I had to keep my mouth shut about the big move until the official announcement went out five very long days later.
Fast forward to yesterday.
Yesterday was my last full day as the Branch Executive in Queen Creek. It was a good day, and it was raining all afternoon. I found myself with watery eyes when I didn't expect them. The strange thing is that the kids didn't seem all that broken up about me leaving. I guess it won't really sink in for them until next week when I'm really not there. Either that or they really won't miss me. I think it's the former based on the art the kids made for me to take to my new office.
After Club hours, I went back to my office and started to pack up my things. And then I sat there and stared at the walls for close to an hour to make sure I got everything. Plus I couldn't bring myself to get up and leave. Then it would be real. I took care of random things to postpone my leaving, like changing my email signature and organizing drawers and cabinets. I found a lot of random things I had forgotten about, too. Two boxes of stuff and two hours later, I finally hoofed it out of the office and started to drive home.
It wasn't until I was on my way out of Queen Creek watching it from my rearview mirror that I started to cry. Nothing dramatic or over the top. Just a little wetness in my eyes as I was mourning the end of a really great chapter in my life. I have a lot of memories in Queen Creek, and I look forward to making more in Gilbert.
New year, new job, new opportunities. I guess I should stop looking back and face forward.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
we wish you a merry christmas...
...and a happy new year!
I L.O.V.E. Christmas time. I know some of my friends out there aren't huge fans of the yuletide season (hi Mike!), but I am a huge sucker for this time of year. And birthdays. Why? One reason: gift giving. I love to give gifts. Some would say it's a love language near the top of my list, second only to acts of service. But I am getting off track.
One of the downsides to being an uber-efficient, type-A machine is that I get my shopping done. Early. Not day-after-Christmas-for-the-next-year early, but still with plenty of time to spare. The nieces and nephews have been done since Black Friday. Babies and toddlers are easy. I could get the two little dudes a cardboard box and they'd be entertained for hours. The other babies are too little (or still in utero like baby Abby), so they wouldn't know the difference. But I still do more than a empty box with a little wrapping paper and a bow. What can I say? Being an aunt is pretty rad, and I love spoiling the little peanuts.
In my opinion, the best part of the holiday melee is the shopping. Making the lists. Checking them twice. Buying a gift for you whether you're naughty or nice. Let's be honest - that's Santa's M.O. too. Not to mention the life-risking activity of finding parking at the mall. It's crazy out there.
Because the 6 kids in my family decided we'd rather adopt a family than exchange DVD's and gift cards to the movies with each other for the 8th or 9th year in a row, I didn't have a lot of people left to shop for. As of today, the rest of my list consisted of my dad, the in-laws, the newest foster nephew I have dubbed "the little man," a gag gift for the white elephant exchange, and me (yes, you read that correctly. "me" is the last person on my list).
My younger sister, Jessi (read her fantastic blog here), and I went out this morning and knocked out dad's gift in 5.7 seconds flat. I think. I can't confirm because I left my stopwatch at the...um...ok I don't have a stopwatch. You caught me. We also got the little man some gift action and took care of one part of the in-laws. After that, I went out for lunch with my best friend, Kelsey.
And now for a word from the pages of history...
Kelsey and I have been friends since we were 11. We're talking 15 years and counting now. We've been through a lot together, and we've tried our hands at being architects, dancers, trampoline gymnasts, radio DJs, detectives, and the next great-American writers. All before the age of 15. You can see how well all of that panned out for us. Anyway, when we graduated from high school, she moved to San Jose, CA to go to college. And then she graduated and stayed put. She's been up there for 8 years now, and we always reconnect when she comes home. Usually it consisted of sitting in Starbucks until the baristas (sort of) politely asked us to leave so they could close, which meant that we left smelling of coffee beans and conversation with great friends. Since we've gotten "real" jobs, now we usually meet over a meal and then go out to do other things afterward. Below is a picture of the two of us sitting in the rain at the Ironman Triathlon last month while we waited for her dad to make his second loop through the marathon.
Back to our regularly scheduled bloggy programming...
Kelsey and I took out the rest of the list with relative ease. In-laws? Done. Gag gift for the white elephant exchange? Done and uh-mazing. I think it will be the stuff of legends. I'll post pics later. Kelsey's shopping? Sort of done. Me? Done.
Ok, I suppose I should explain me shopping for myself. All I wanted for Christmas was a plane ticket to go visit Kelsey. Steven granted my holiday wish! So today while we were together, I sat down with Kelsey and showed her when I want to come visit, and then I booked the ticket. Signed. Sealed. Confirmation delivered to my e-mail inbox. Life is good.
Now I sit at home with my yet-to-be-wrapped treasures waiting in the living room. Steven should be home soon, and it feels so good to be done shopping and ready for Christmas. The next couple of days will be filled with family, festivities, and most of all fun. I can't wait!
Merry Christmas to you and yours!
I L.O.V.E. Christmas time. I know some of my friends out there aren't huge fans of the yuletide season (hi Mike!), but I am a huge sucker for this time of year. And birthdays. Why? One reason: gift giving. I love to give gifts. Some would say it's a love language near the top of my list, second only to acts of service. But I am getting off track.
One of the downsides to being an uber-efficient, type-A machine is that I get my shopping done. Early. Not day-after-Christmas-for-the-next-year early, but still with plenty of time to spare. The nieces and nephews have been done since Black Friday. Babies and toddlers are easy. I could get the two little dudes a cardboard box and they'd be entertained for hours. The other babies are too little (or still in utero like baby Abby), so they wouldn't know the difference. But I still do more than a empty box with a little wrapping paper and a bow. What can I say? Being an aunt is pretty rad, and I love spoiling the little peanuts.
In my opinion, the best part of the holiday melee is the shopping. Making the lists. Checking them twice. Buying a gift for you whether you're naughty or nice. Let's be honest - that's Santa's M.O. too. Not to mention the life-risking activity of finding parking at the mall. It's crazy out there.
Because the 6 kids in my family decided we'd rather adopt a family than exchange DVD's and gift cards to the movies with each other for the 8th or 9th year in a row, I didn't have a lot of people left to shop for. As of today, the rest of my list consisted of my dad, the in-laws, the newest foster nephew I have dubbed "the little man," a gag gift for the white elephant exchange, and me (yes, you read that correctly. "me" is the last person on my list).
My younger sister, Jessi (read her fantastic blog here), and I went out this morning and knocked out dad's gift in 5.7 seconds flat. I think. I can't confirm because I left my stopwatch at the...um...ok I don't have a stopwatch. You caught me. We also got the little man some gift action and took care of one part of the in-laws. After that, I went out for lunch with my best friend, Kelsey.
And now for a word from the pages of history...
Kelsey and I have been friends since we were 11. We're talking 15 years and counting now. We've been through a lot together, and we've tried our hands at being architects, dancers, trampoline gymnasts, radio DJs, detectives, and the next great-American writers. All before the age of 15. You can see how well all of that panned out for us. Anyway, when we graduated from high school, she moved to San Jose, CA to go to college. And then she graduated and stayed put. She's been up there for 8 years now, and we always reconnect when she comes home. Usually it consisted of sitting in Starbucks until the baristas (sort of) politely asked us to leave so they could close, which meant that we left smelling of coffee beans and conversation with great friends. Since we've gotten "real" jobs, now we usually meet over a meal and then go out to do other things afterward. Below is a picture of the two of us sitting in the rain at the Ironman Triathlon last month while we waited for her dad to make his second loop through the marathon.
Back to our regularly scheduled bloggy programming...
Kelsey and I took out the rest of the list with relative ease. In-laws? Done. Gag gift for the white elephant exchange? Done and uh-mazing. I think it will be the stuff of legends. I'll post pics later. Kelsey's shopping? Sort of done. Me? Done.
Ok, I suppose I should explain me shopping for myself. All I wanted for Christmas was a plane ticket to go visit Kelsey. Steven granted my holiday wish! So today while we were together, I sat down with Kelsey and showed her when I want to come visit, and then I booked the ticket. Signed. Sealed. Confirmation delivered to my e-mail inbox. Life is good.
Now I sit at home with my yet-to-be-wrapped treasures waiting in the living room. Steven should be home soon, and it feels so good to be done shopping and ready for Christmas. The next couple of days will be filled with family, festivities, and most of all fun. I can't wait!
Merry Christmas to you and yours!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
day of days
The past couple of weeks I have spent dreading December 15. It may seem like any other day to you, or it could be your birthday as it is for four of my friends today (thank you, Facebook). Today was the day I was supposed to become a mom. Well, until I wasn't.
I fell off of blogging earlier this year about a month before I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. Steven and I were over the moon. We'd been trying/not trying and seeing what happens/maybe we'll never have kids but let's just have sex anyway/whatever for 2 years, finally gave up, and then the stick turned blue (yes, yes. I can hear you loud and clear, mom. You told me so). I took the test expecting the same old rigmarole (NEGATIVE), so when it didn't turn out that way I was shocked. When I let Steven know (3.5 miliseconds after reading the pee stick result), it sounded more like a question. "I'm pregnant?"
Four weeks after the stick turned blue, after 4 doctors appointments, 3 ultrasounds, and a couple of blood tests, our obstetrician confirmed that we had lost the baby.
Just like that, the pregnancy and child that my husband and I had hoped for was gone.
Miscarriage is a crazy thing. I didn't realize that there were different types of miscarriage. I kind of assumed all along that they were all the same. Developing fetus one minute, not the next. I guess it all boils down to that eventually, but it's so much more complicated at the same time. The miscarriage I had is called a blighted ovum or early pregnancy failure. Essentially, there was something funky afoot chromosomally speaking that resulted in a baby never developing. All I had was a fertilized egg that became a gestational sac that implanted in my uterus, got my hormone factory all hot and frenzied, and then stopped developing. There was nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening. Let me tell you, lack of control over things is not my cup of tea. Knowing that I couldn't have done ANYTHING to prevent the pregnancy loss was devastating.
The other crazy thing about it is that it is a loss, there is grief/grieving involved, but there's no physical object to grieve. The expelled tissue was flushed like a deceased goldfish. I still feel a little guilty about it seven months later.
Why was there flushing of tissue involved? I'm getting to that.
I didn't have a D & C - dilation and curretage for those of you not in the know on the acronym...essentially the same surgical procedure as an abortion (lovely thought, right?) - although it was presented as one of my 3 choices for course of action after the miscarriage was confirmed. One of my other two choices was to wait it out. I considered it, but I felt increasingly more frustrated experiencing the symptoms of pregnancy knowing that nothing was going to come of it. I wasn't morning sick or anything, but I felt differently enough from normal to know the difference. The option I picked was a BRAND. NEW. CAR. Actually, it was medication that induced contractions and forced all the tissue out of my bun-baking oven. Lovely thought, right? It was equally lovely to experience the crippling cramping of uterine contractions and bleeding like crazy. I'll leave it at that.
I blame hormones, but I got all dark and twisty (thank you, Grey's Anatomy) after that. I was really depressed. And furiously angry. I even yelled at pregnant people for being pregnant. Way to stay classy. It was a chapter of my history where I believe I experienced the greatest growth of character I had to this point, but not without hitting some ugly lows and threatening some very dear relationships in the process. Thankfully, I have incredibly gracious friends who chose to love me through the ugly.
Early this fall, there was a day where I realized I hadn't thought about the fact that I wasn't pregnant for a few days. And I couldn't tell you how pregnant I would have been, which was something I had tracked (my brain wouldn't allow me to NOT think about it). Humpty dumpty had started to put the pieces together again. Yeah, there were times when a baby announcement or a person complaining about how miserable they were feeling at X stage in their pregnancy would touch the soft spots of my soul where I hadn't quite found ALL the pieces. I guess that's what happens when you break till you shatter.
All that feeling whole and (mostly) healed changed about 2 weeks ago when I realized December 15 was coming. The baby's due date. The day of days.
The Lord does not bring us to something if He is not willing to also bring us through said thing. "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23. I woke up this morning and told myself (and my Facebook status) that today was going to be a good day. While I can't divulge the details now, let's just say that today completely exceeded my expectations. Somehow there was beauty from my pain, but as always not in the way I expected.
I fell off of blogging earlier this year about a month before I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. Steven and I were over the moon. We'd been trying/not trying and seeing what happens/maybe we'll never have kids but let's just have sex anyway/whatever for 2 years, finally gave up, and then the stick turned blue (yes, yes. I can hear you loud and clear, mom. You told me so). I took the test expecting the same old rigmarole (NEGATIVE), so when it didn't turn out that way I was shocked. When I let Steven know (3.5 miliseconds after reading the pee stick result), it sounded more like a question. "I'm pregnant?"
Four weeks after the stick turned blue, after 4 doctors appointments, 3 ultrasounds, and a couple of blood tests, our obstetrician confirmed that we had lost the baby.
Just like that, the pregnancy and child that my husband and I had hoped for was gone.
Miscarriage is a crazy thing. I didn't realize that there were different types of miscarriage. I kind of assumed all along that they were all the same. Developing fetus one minute, not the next. I guess it all boils down to that eventually, but it's so much more complicated at the same time. The miscarriage I had is called a blighted ovum or early pregnancy failure. Essentially, there was something funky afoot chromosomally speaking that resulted in a baby never developing. All I had was a fertilized egg that became a gestational sac that implanted in my uterus, got my hormone factory all hot and frenzied, and then stopped developing. There was nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening. Let me tell you, lack of control over things is not my cup of tea. Knowing that I couldn't have done ANYTHING to prevent the pregnancy loss was devastating.
The other crazy thing about it is that it is a loss, there is grief/grieving involved, but there's no physical object to grieve. The expelled tissue was flushed like a deceased goldfish. I still feel a little guilty about it seven months later.
Why was there flushing of tissue involved? I'm getting to that.
I didn't have a D & C - dilation and curretage for those of you not in the know on the acronym...essentially the same surgical procedure as an abortion (lovely thought, right?) - although it was presented as one of my 3 choices for course of action after the miscarriage was confirmed. One of my other two choices was to wait it out. I considered it, but I felt increasingly more frustrated experiencing the symptoms of pregnancy knowing that nothing was going to come of it. I wasn't morning sick or anything, but I felt differently enough from normal to know the difference. The option I picked was a BRAND. NEW. CAR. Actually, it was medication that induced contractions and forced all the tissue out of my bun-baking oven. Lovely thought, right? It was equally lovely to experience the crippling cramping of uterine contractions and bleeding like crazy. I'll leave it at that.
I blame hormones, but I got all dark and twisty (thank you, Grey's Anatomy) after that. I was really depressed. And furiously angry. I even yelled at pregnant people for being pregnant. Way to stay classy. It was a chapter of my history where I believe I experienced the greatest growth of character I had to this point, but not without hitting some ugly lows and threatening some very dear relationships in the process. Thankfully, I have incredibly gracious friends who chose to love me through the ugly.
Early this fall, there was a day where I realized I hadn't thought about the fact that I wasn't pregnant for a few days. And I couldn't tell you how pregnant I would have been, which was something I had tracked (my brain wouldn't allow me to NOT think about it). Humpty dumpty had started to put the pieces together again. Yeah, there were times when a baby announcement or a person complaining about how miserable they were feeling at X stage in their pregnancy would touch the soft spots of my soul where I hadn't quite found ALL the pieces. I guess that's what happens when you break till you shatter.
All that feeling whole and (mostly) healed changed about 2 weeks ago when I realized December 15 was coming. The baby's due date. The day of days.
The Lord does not bring us to something if He is not willing to also bring us through said thing. "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23. I woke up this morning and told myself (and my Facebook status) that today was going to be a good day. While I can't divulge the details now, let's just say that today completely exceeded my expectations. Somehow there was beauty from my pain, but as always not in the way I expected.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
my eyes are crossed and i think i feel brain matter oozing out of my ears...
Why is it that reading the same things over and over (online, no less) makes one feel cross-eyed?
I find that when I spend my work days in front of a computer screen, especially around budget drafting time when I have to stare at all those tiny, tiny numbers for hours on end, my eyes get tired. They may actually, really cross (I never check). Tonight was a foray into endless online psychology course grading. Of the same 3 assignments written by various students. 15 of them to be exact. I got through 10 before my brain felt like it was oozing out of my ears.
It's been quite the ride as Adjunct Faculty for Rio Salado so far. Just the fact that the title "Adjunct Faculty" is attached to my name is a bit strange. And having conversations with people where I reference "my students." It all seems horribly grown-upish. When did that happen?
Not that I'm complaining. This is a huge step in the "I think this is where I want my life to go" direction, that being a residential (full time) faculty member at a local community college. While it has managed to suck away what little, precious free time I may have thought I had, I know it will be worth it in the long run. For now it means grading stuff and managing my roster whenever I have a spare moment or five. For later it could mean a sweet gig working less than 9 months of the year and only 30 hours a week at that.
Although you all know me. I'd find ways to fill the rest of those hours.
I find that when I spend my work days in front of a computer screen, especially around budget drafting time when I have to stare at all those tiny, tiny numbers for hours on end, my eyes get tired. They may actually, really cross (I never check). Tonight was a foray into endless online psychology course grading. Of the same 3 assignments written by various students. 15 of them to be exact. I got through 10 before my brain felt like it was oozing out of my ears.
It's been quite the ride as Adjunct Faculty for Rio Salado so far. Just the fact that the title "Adjunct Faculty" is attached to my name is a bit strange. And having conversations with people where I reference "my students." It all seems horribly grown-upish. When did that happen?
Not that I'm complaining. This is a huge step in the "I think this is where I want my life to go" direction, that being a residential (full time) faculty member at a local community college. While it has managed to suck away what little, precious free time I may have thought I had, I know it will be worth it in the long run. For now it means grading stuff and managing my roster whenever I have a spare moment or five. For later it could mean a sweet gig working less than 9 months of the year and only 30 hours a week at that.
Although you all know me. I'd find ways to fill the rest of those hours.
Monday, December 6, 2010
town council via FB status updates...
One of the less glamorous aspects of my job is that I am asked to attend Town Council meetings in Queen Creek to make sure I am on top of what's happening in my Club's community. It has benefited the Club in good ways, but it's not exactly what you might call exciting. In an effort to keep myself engaged in what's happening, I post Facebook status updates as the "action," as it were, unfolds. Here's the last meeting via status updates:
time to change into big girl clothes for Town Council. yep, that's right. It's council night, people! final action for rio communiversity. love it! got so excited about communiversity I didn't realize consent is done well before 7:30. wow. "out of plane" could make a good song title along the lines of "i'm on a boat."thanks for the idea, councilmember benning. hello, wayne balmer. it's been a while. communiversity land lease passed unanimously. time for the general plan amendments for town center. hang on to your hats. general plan amendments continued. now we're talking fireworks. boom. sizzle. i think phantom fireworks guy @ the podium called me at the club about selling fireworks as a fundraiser. hmmm.... oh man. wayne balmer just talked about medicinal marijuana infused in "the classic brownies." text amendment for medicinal marijuana dispensaries passed 5-2. on to special events sign ordinance. meeting adjourned. and that's all she wrote.
Kinda juicy, huh? Dont' hate me cause you ain't me.
time to change into big girl clothes for Town Council. yep, that's right. It's council night, people! final action for rio communiversity. love it! got so excited about communiversity I didn't realize consent is done well before 7:30. wow. "out of plane" could make a good song title along the lines of "i'm on a boat."thanks for the idea, councilmember benning. hello, wayne balmer. it's been a while. communiversity land lease passed unanimously. time for the general plan amendments for town center. hang on to your hats. general plan amendments continued. now we're talking fireworks. boom. sizzle. i think phantom fireworks guy @ the podium called me at the club about selling fireworks as a fundraiser. hmmm.... oh man. wayne balmer just talked about medicinal marijuana infused in "the classic brownies." text amendment for medicinal marijuana dispensaries passed 5-2. on to special events sign ordinance. meeting adjourned. and that's all she wrote.
Kinda juicy, huh? Dont' hate me cause you ain't me.
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