Tonight I decided to be a considerate wife and do my nightly pre-sleepy time reading in the living room so the light didn't keep Steven awake. I have been working my way through Every Woman's Battle: Discovering God's Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment by Shannon Ethridge for the second time. This book is a great read for you ladies out there (married and single alike)! In a strange twist, I decided I would wear my iPod and listen to some tunes while I read. I say strange because normally I like to read in the library-like atmosphere of silence that is my house after Steven and I decide to go to bed. Anyway, as luck would have it, the second song that comes on is one of my favorite songs by Casting Crowns, "Stained Glass Masquerade." My enthusiastic lip synching pretty much obliterated my attempts at reading (the human brain was not designed for multi-tasking, despite our attempts to profess the opposite when the setting requires it, say in job interviews). This song is pretty profound. It is about how we put on a show when we go to church, making people believe we have it more together than we really do. I confess that there have been many Sundays in my life where I pulled up to church and knew I had to put on my "church face." This act isn't necessarily because of a fight in the car on the way to church (which happens on occasion), but sometimes because of silent sin struggles or other forms of spiritual or personal discontentment. Intellectually I understand that I am a broken person living in a broken world where "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23), and that I am only saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ (John 3:16-17). Despite this understanding, and the resulting implication that everyone has on a church face, I can't help but fall prey to the act of...well...pretending to be okay when I may not be.
I felt compelled to share the lyrics to the song. Here they are:
is there anyone that fails?
is there anyone that falls?
am I the only one in church today
feeling so small?
cause when I take a look around
everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
that I don't belong
so I tuck it all away
like everything's okay
if I make them all believe it
maybe I'll believe it too
so with a painted grin
I play the part again
so everyone will see me
the way that I see them
are we happy plastic people
under shiny plastic steeples
with walls around our weakness
and smiles to hide our pain?
but if the invitation's open
to every heart that has been broken
maybe then we'll close the curtain
on this stained glass masquerade
is there anyone who's been there?
are there any hands to raise?
am I the only one who's traded
in the altar for a stage?
the performance is convincing
we know every line by heart
only when no one is watching
can we really fall apart
or would it set me free
if I dared to let you see
the truth behind the person
that you imagined me to be?
or would your arms be open
or would you walk away
or would the love of Jesus
be enough to make you stay?
are we happy plastic people
under shiny plastic steeples
with walls around our weakness
and smiles to hide our pain?
but if the invitation's open
to every heart that has been broken
maybe then we'll close the curtain
on our stained glass masquerade
is there anyone that fails?
is there anyone that falls?
am I the only one in church today
feeling so small?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
fall has fell
The past few days I have been reflecting on how much I enjoy fall. Fall in Arizona isn't as aesthetically pleasing as in other regions of the country because everything is still green or brown, but the weather sure starts to feel nice. Today the high is 94, which I realize is hot anywhere else in the country, and it feels great. It's getting to be the short window of time in AZ where you no longer need A/C on in your house or your car, but it's not quite cold enough yet for the heater.
My reflections have helped me to realize why I like fall. I love that the northern hemisphere of the world seems to be slowing down and getting ready to fall asleep for the winter. All the leaves get tired of hanging out on the trees, so they slowly change colors and fall to the ground. The grass decides the weather is getting too cool at night, so it slowly goes dormant and turns brown. It only makes sense that since one of my favorite things to do when I have extra time is to nap that I would gravitate toward the season where the world starts to fall asleep.
Lots of great things happen or have happened in the fall - I got married in September (still techinically summer, but late summer), we moved into our first house in the fall, my baby sister got married in the fall, the World Series and college football season are both in the fall, I was offered my first full time job in the fall, school starts again in the fall....I could go on, but I think you get the gist.
Fall has fell, and I love that I get to experience it.
My reflections have helped me to realize why I like fall. I love that the northern hemisphere of the world seems to be slowing down and getting ready to fall asleep for the winter. All the leaves get tired of hanging out on the trees, so they slowly change colors and fall to the ground. The grass decides the weather is getting too cool at night, so it slowly goes dormant and turns brown. It only makes sense that since one of my favorite things to do when I have extra time is to nap that I would gravitate toward the season where the world starts to fall asleep.
Lots of great things happen or have happened in the fall - I got married in September (still techinically summer, but late summer), we moved into our first house in the fall, my baby sister got married in the fall, the World Series and college football season are both in the fall, I was offered my first full time job in the fall, school starts again in the fall....I could go on, but I think you get the gist.
Fall has fell, and I love that I get to experience it.
Monday, October 13, 2008
the blog giveth....the blog taketh away
There are days when I feel like my brain is chock full of blogworthy topics, like fertility or things that make you go hmmmm? Lately....the well has been dry. Nothing. No inspiration, divine or otherwise. So I am blogging about having nothing to blog about. Weird.
It's not that there's been a lack of things happening. Since last post, I went to see Journey in concert, went to a Texas Hold 'Em tournament birthday party where I didn't play but made horrible choices with alcohol and wound up hopelessly drunk (and many hours later, quite ill), went to a baby shower for a high school/church friend, accomplished a lot on the home front, consistently attended gym classes where I'm feeling the burn....just none of it is striking a "blog about me" chord.
Suggestions, anyone?
It's not that there's been a lack of things happening. Since last post, I went to see Journey in concert, went to a Texas Hold 'Em tournament birthday party where I didn't play but made horrible choices with alcohol and wound up hopelessly drunk (and many hours later, quite ill), went to a baby shower for a high school/church friend, accomplished a lot on the home front, consistently attended gym classes where I'm feeling the burn....just none of it is striking a "blog about me" chord.
Suggestions, anyone?
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
living resiliency
Last night I went to watch my 12-year-old foster nephew, Josh, play in his last Town of QC youth basketball league game. They won, by 25 points, but the blog isn't about winning basketball games. It's about living resiliency.
You see, Josh had to testify in criminal court against his mother yesterday afternoon to prove that she had abused him, not just "disciplined" him. His story began a year ago when he was removed from his home after he had run away to a friend's house and his friend's mother (who works for CPS....do you think God played a role here?) called the police. He was originally placed with his aunt, but after a month of living there he came to live with Melissa and Jeff, my stepsister and her husband. Josh is one of the most respectful, kind, and funny kids I've ever met. He has every reason to have behavior problems, aggression problems, etc., but he doesn't have any. His sister came to live with him and Melissa and Jeff in February, but caused so many problems over the course of her time there that she went off to another foster home toward the end of the summer. She was a sweet girl, but the abuse and subsequent removal from her home had certainly done more damage to her emotionally than to Josh.
I have had a lot of fun with Josh in the time he's been with the family - he comes to the Boys & Girls Club during school breaks, he came with me to my first Roadrunners hockey game in March, we've hung out when Melissa and Jeff have been busy, we've done things like making cupcakes, watching movies, going to dinners with friends/family, making fun of techno music...the list goes on and on. There's a possibility that he will be adopted by Melissa and Jeff if, after the Permanency Hearing at the end of October, it is determined that his mother's parental rights will be severed. That could takes months, even years, to officially happen, though.
Last night he played basketball. His team won, and he had a huge group of people there to watch him - all of his grandparents, a couple of aunts, friends from church. He talked about his experience at the courthouse very matter-of-factly, but with a hint of relief. He sat respectfully during dinner, speaking when spoken to and was his usual polite self. He thanked everyone for being there for him. There are a lot of people in his corner who love him and cheer for him, whether it's cheering for him through prayer about his testimony in court, or doing the wave and catcalling him from the sidelines of a basketball game. I think that is what makes him "living resiliency."
You see, Josh had to testify in criminal court against his mother yesterday afternoon to prove that she had abused him, not just "disciplined" him. His story began a year ago when he was removed from his home after he had run away to a friend's house and his friend's mother (who works for CPS....do you think God played a role here?) called the police. He was originally placed with his aunt, but after a month of living there he came to live with Melissa and Jeff, my stepsister and her husband. Josh is one of the most respectful, kind, and funny kids I've ever met. He has every reason to have behavior problems, aggression problems, etc., but he doesn't have any. His sister came to live with him and Melissa and Jeff in February, but caused so many problems over the course of her time there that she went off to another foster home toward the end of the summer. She was a sweet girl, but the abuse and subsequent removal from her home had certainly done more damage to her emotionally than to Josh.
I have had a lot of fun with Josh in the time he's been with the family - he comes to the Boys & Girls Club during school breaks, he came with me to my first Roadrunners hockey game in March, we've hung out when Melissa and Jeff have been busy, we've done things like making cupcakes, watching movies, going to dinners with friends/family, making fun of techno music...the list goes on and on. There's a possibility that he will be adopted by Melissa and Jeff if, after the Permanency Hearing at the end of October, it is determined that his mother's parental rights will be severed. That could takes months, even years, to officially happen, though.
Last night he played basketball. His team won, and he had a huge group of people there to watch him - all of his grandparents, a couple of aunts, friends from church. He talked about his experience at the courthouse very matter-of-factly, but with a hint of relief. He sat respectfully during dinner, speaking when spoken to and was his usual polite self. He thanked everyone for being there for him. There are a lot of people in his corner who love him and cheer for him, whether it's cheering for him through prayer about his testimony in court, or doing the wave and catcalling him from the sidelines of a basketball game. I think that is what makes him "living resiliency."
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